Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen! I’m Pete, Richard’s Best Man, and I’d just like to say a few words this evening.
But before I begin, I’d like to announce that, for health and safety reasons, it has been requested that none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.
I’m sure you’ll all admit this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration, yet every silver-lining does have a cloud, and that is, unfortunately that you’ve all got to listen to me for a few minutes.
I’d just like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, although personally I wish you’d all stayed at home, because things would have been a lot easier on me.
I’d also like to thank you Richard, on behalf of the bridesmaids for your kind words and also my personal thanks for giving me the opportunity to dress up like a toff and for finally admitting after all these years that I am the best man.
I’ve been told that its good to start the speech with a joke & so I promise I’ll start shortly. It’s also been said that wedding guests are the most forgiving audience & you’ll laugh at the lamest joke. Over the next 10 minutes I will be severely testing this theory.
Anyway a few words about the main man himself:
I’ve known Richard for about four years now, since he started university. In the time I’ve known him, he’s changed quite a bit. He used to be really careful with his money, he did this thing called work whilst we were at uni which still mystifies me, but I remember the one time he did lose his cool and splash out.
We were in a shop near the centre of Brighton, Richard picks up the most expensive item in sight and said to me, “It’s pretty expensive, but I can afford it. I’ve got the money” and he dropped the packet of Jaffa cakes into the basket.
People have pointed out to me that I really should grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reveal to you all of Richard’s past misdemeanours. Unfortunately, I have played a part in most of these incriminating events, and I really don’t want to tarnish my impeccable reputation. So instead, I’ll keep things very short by talking about Richard’s achievements.
Richard’s crowning achievement, apart from tonight, is that he has suffered four years of torture, I mean, studying at Brighton University. Thankfully he seems to have survived unscathed. Mostly. My advice to him during those days consisted of a
list of things that would burn you if given the chance, while Richard taught me the culinary excellence of Take Away Pizza.
Richard can be quite quiet if you don’t know him, although he can be quite chatty when he wants to be. Like myself he spends a large portion of his time staring at a computer screen, which makes you wonder how he would ever meet a girl like Catherine.
In fact I guess many of us assumed he would always remain a single man – certainly that’s what he would have you believe, always professing that he would be the last man standing where marriage was concerned. So it was quite a surprise when he told me he was getting married.
We may be asking ourselves what Catherine sees in Richard, I know I regularly do! But they say love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener, so I’d like to say, Richard, you are a lucky man, marrying Catherine today. She deserves a good husband – unfortunately you got to her before she had a chance to find one!
I was talking to Richard the other day about what he wanted from his marriage, he said, “well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen. And he added with a large grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!! Being the naive chap that I am, I looked up “model” in the dictionary; it said “a small, miniature replica of the real thing”!!!
Here’s where I should mention Richard and Catherine’s website about their marriage. It says on the front page that Richard proposed in a restaurant in Brighton. It looks quite classy. I had to persuade Richard to change it, as it previously said “Burger King”.
A few words about the bride:
I haven’t known Catherine that long, but already I can see that she’s just the one for Richard, and how lovely they are together. She looks absolutely amazing tonight, I’m sure there’s more to come.
Richard, Catherine knows what she wants, she’s not afraid to go and get it, and today she’s marrying you. That should make you feel really special.
But seriously Richard, that decision you’ve made to marry Catherine is a good one. You’ve got someone who’s beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring.
And Catherine, you’ve got
… Well… you’ve got Richard…
Now just before I finish I believe it is customary to give a few words of wisdom. Not being married myself though, I sought the advice of happily married couples – alas I found none! But I did come across the following
Remember the words that make marriage work, “You’re right dear!”
If a man gives in when he is wrong he is considered wise,
If a man gives in when he’s right, he’s probably married.
Leaving the toilet seat up IS a capital offence.
Treat Richard as he deserves to be treated, make sure he’s in bed by seven pm.
In all seriousness though, Richard, it has been a great honour to have been your best man here today, but more importantly to have known you as a true friend of yours over the last 4 years. Yes, we have had some disagreements, but nothing that two lawyers and a high court judge couldn’t sort out.
I sincerely wish you the happiest of marriages and may our friendship continue for many years to come.
I started planning this speech a few days ago, & it must feel like I’ve been delivering it that long. So it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to ask you to be upstanding for the bride and groom.
Ladies and gentlemen, Richard and Catherine!